Monday, February 26, 2018

disorientation.

Let's talk about the cycle of emotions that has been going on lately.

First of all, I decided to fuck myself up by giving away everything I could to an asshole for a few hours. Straight into it, huh? Not my best, reached my low. Was I fine with it? I was... Until people decided to tell me otherwise.

Second of all, I came to a point where I needed emotional comfort. I couldn't seek it from my friends, so I seek it from a stranger who didn't feel like a stranger in the beginning, but I truly was just kidding myself. While I thought I found someone I could talk to, all my powers were stripped and I felt myself changing for someone else. Followed his demands just to please him, and what's worse is I used his weaknesses to make myself stay. It's clear that his strengths just pushes me away. I don't know why I sympathize. I still do.

I've also indulged myself in the holy trinity; dicks, drinks and drugs.

I've stopped having motivation. I've stopped getting inspired. I've developed more anxious thoughts. I've developed more and more thoughts on how to completely destroy myself. I wonder what the limit is. How far can I push myself? I'm also thinking...

Have all my emotions turned into numbness?

It's a Sunday night- Well, early Monday morning now. I'm feeling empty. More empty and hallow than I used to feel. It scared me a little bit. It's actually frightening me right now. Will I ever get out of this? I actually miss having to do something I enjoy and love, but unfortunately I can't remember what those are anymore.

Not only emptiness, not only hallow. It's also very lonesome. Maybe I'm just longing for something, but I can't pin on what it exactly is.

Is it happiness? No. It's probably more of contentment, but what sort? These are probably questions I won't find any answers to.